How to Be More Likeable (Why Good Communicators Are Happier, Healthier, and Less Lonely)
The art and science of communicating in a disconnected world.
Young adults are the loneliest people in America.
Why? Because many of us don’t know how to communicate effectively.
Communication is essential for making friends, finding love, being social, landing jobs, and thriving in school. It’s how we interact and connect with others—and we rely on it every single day.
Yet despite its importance, most of us struggle to do it well.
You might be doing it all wrong.
Most people are bad at communicating.
Bad communicators never get their point across without offending someone.
They hate small talk—or they dominate every conversation.
I want you to be a good communicator.
Good communicators excel in their relationships, know how to talk to their boss, and are able to listen and let the other person do the talking when the time is right.
Get good at asking questions.
Showing curiosity for someone else immediately disarms them and often gets them to open up.
In a recent podcast episode I listened to with Chris Voss (former FBI hostage negotiator and author), he used curiosity as an ultimate tool for getting to know someone (and getting them to like him) during negotiations. Curiosity reduces defensiveness because it reflects openness towards them rather than judgment.
People love to feel heard. Here are 3 things I do to be a great active listener:
The Head Tilt
The next time you’re having a conversation with someone, notice if you naturally tilt your head and expose your ear to them. It’s a great nonverbal cue that you’re listening and paying attention.
The Nod
Slightly nodding your head up and down is a great nonverbal that shows the other person you are engaged and present with them.
Fun fact! Studies show that nodding 3 times slowly gets your conversation partner to speak 67% longer!
The “Mhm hm”
Saying “mhm hm” shows that you’re paying attention, demonstrates empathy, encourages the other person to keep talking, and makes the conversation feel more interactive.
The open-ended
Instead of asking “Where do you work?” ask “What’s your favorite part of what you do?”
Always say less than necessary.
Law #4 in The 48 Laws of Power by Robert Greene is to “always say less than necessary.”
Asking questions of others is great beaus it gets them to do the majority of the talking while you’re still in control of the conversation. Greene puts it simply:
“The more you say, the more likely you are to say something foolish.”
Saying less and asking more isn’t about withholding or manipulating; it’s about cultivating curiosity, respect, and the ability to influence through presence with another human.
Warmth + Competence = Instant Likeability.
Exhibiting warmth and competence is a powerful duo that helps you connect with others while commanding success.
Vanessa Van Edwards, a behavioral expert and author, says:
The faster you can signal those two things (warmth and competence)… the more people like you and respect you
I’ve recently heard this formula a few times on a few different podcasts, and it has stuck with me.
Showing warmth looks something like this:
Smiling 🙂
Showing your hands/open palms
Mirroring other people’s body language (if they’re leaning in, you lean in)
Active listening symbols from above (like nodding)
Showing competence looks something like this:
Confident posture (upright, shoulders back)
A firm handshake 🤝
Research shows that people assess warmth (are you friendly and trustworthy?) and competence (are you capable and skilled?) FIRST in social interactions.
A mix of both ensures you're viewed as approachable yet capable.
BONUS: Asking for help.
I’m currently reading Ali Abdaal’s book, Feel Good Productivity.
Ali writes that asking for help is a great way to earn another person’s favor. It’s called the “Benjamin Franklin effect” because of the way Franklin used this tactic to win over a political competitor. Franklin simply asked him if he could borrow a book, and the request was granted immediately.
After reading, Franklin sent the book back with a note saying how much he enjoyed it. Once his enemy helped him, how could he justify hating him? It’s an interesting technique that makes intuitive sense (although I probably never would have thought of this myself!).
Try it out sometime. Ask your colleague for some help with a project—being sure to included that you’re asking because they are very good at what they do. Or, ask to borrow your classmate’s flashcards.
People are eager to help others! It makes them feel good about themselves.
These communication skills are your ultimate guide to becoming more likeable.
How can you use them to achieve more in your life?
As always— thanks for reading,
Sophie Francis
P.S…Want more book recommendations?
Check out my Favorites page 👉🏻
